Couples Sleeping Separately: Bad For the Relationship?

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Now, in honor of Valentine’s Day, we ask an age-old question – is sleeping separately really bad for the relationship? 

The bed: for many, it’s a sacred private space that symbolizes union and intimacy.

But sharing a bed seems to be falling out of favor with some, as more couples choose to go their separate ways at night. In fact, a 2005 National Sleep Foundation poll found that nearly one in four American couples sleeps in separate beds or separate rooms. And the National Association of Home Builders says that by 2015 it expects 60 percent of custom-built homes to have separate master bedrooms.

That may sound decidedly unromantic, but many people have a good reason for splitting up after dark. Sometimes one partner’s nighttime behaviors – loud snoring, sleep talking, restless movements and so forth – are too disruptive. In other cases, the “fit” between the couple’s sleeping habits is the problem. Maybe one person is a light sleeper and the other has a penchant for stealing covers. Or one partner loves to snuggle with the kids in the wee hours while the other can’t get comfortable amidst all the little elbows and knees. Add in conflicting sleep times, differing work schedules and TV habits or electronics and you can see why some partners give up.  Just because a couple chooses to live happily ever after doesn’t mean their nighttime personalities are a perfect match.

Couples come up with different arrangements: two beds in the same room will do the trick for some, while others head for completely separate rooms (especially in the case of loud snoring). Sleep is a fundamental biological need and the bottom line is that we do what’s necessary to protect it.

But are separate beds a sign of a distant relationship? Some couples say bed is a place they connect, talk about the day, share feelings and so on; in the midst of busy schedules and family life, beds can feel like a personal haven. And we know that physical affection – holding, cuddling and intimacy – is an important part of healthy relationships. Our brains release bonding chemicals like oxytocin when we touch each other lovingly. For a couple pulled in different directions by day, sharing a bed might be one of their only sources of physical contact.

Only you and your other half know if sleeping separately is the right plan. But if you want to stay under the sheets together, it’s important to talk and problem solve. If snoring is the issue, consider adjusting your head or body position, avoid alcohol before bed and invest in earplugs. Decide on the rules of the bed, such as if and when pets or kids are welcome.  Make sure the mattress and pillows are comfortable for both of you and negotiate things like bedtime schedules to give each person the best chance at rest.  Remember, couples spend a third of their lives in bed, so it’s well worth a dedicated discussion and some fine-tuning.